“What I’ve done”
by Dawn Vanessa
Summary: In this farewell, his mocking farewell...There’s no blood, even though I killed many...So let mercy come...
1. Chapter 1

Spirits of destiny

"**What I've done"**

By: Shuhei Vanessa

Where am I? Is this Mu? I'm alone, surrounded by darkness and yet I don't feel lonely. Since I woke up my thoughts had been my only company in this deserted place. I don't know whether to feel relived or worried about this fact. How long have I been here? In this place I have lost track of time. There's no up, down or even sideways, I'm just submerge in this nothingness. This feels like eternity as I just sit there hugging my legs and feeling lonely.

Since I felt that horrible freezing pain in my chest and woke up here I knew I was dead. **In this farewell,** his mocking farewell from that bastard shinigami, but I know it was my fault how I ended up here. This feels like hell with only my analyzing thoughts going through every innocent person I killed with that note. This is hell how else could I feel after every wrong I had ever done replaying in my head.

My whole life as I only thought about my self, studied, ignored my family, my friends and my love and for what. Have I ever, truly loved anybody, but myself? As I analyzed my memories since the day I lost it all, I'm beginning to recall the small details of each death in my mind.

**There's no blood,** even though I killed many, betrayed my family and used others as if they were my toys to play with. This is a somber moment in my after life, surrounded in darkness and remembering what a fanatic I had been. I remembered it all as if it had been yesterday.

I can still feel the thrill running through my veins of getting rid of the unwanted populace of the world. I didn't think about my actions and just assumed that everybody was guilty. Now, the thought of even killing some innocent gives me the shills. Right now, **there's no alibi,** all I have is a bittersweet taste in my mouth of what I could have done differently.

Why? Why was I corrupted by darkness in the first place? Was I corrupted by the power of the Death Note? Oh … now I remember what happened, my change happened even before getting the note. I remembered how I was always ignored as a child, I was always alone. When my little sister was born she so easily gained all the attention. The only reason that I began to study like crazy was to get attention from my parents.

My mother, my father, I remembered the sadness, loneliness and the emptiness. Now I remembered the reason to drown in my inner evil. All of the jealousy, anger, loneliness, hate was nothing but a small fire. But the Death Note just magnified the evil in me into a blazing flame.

The Death Note gave me something to vent over those emotions but now I'm alone again. This is strange, these feelings right now is strange **'because I've drawn regret,** and if anybody could see me right now they would think it was me. I knew what this sick feeling in the deep of my soul was, it was regret. This isn't what I wanted; out of all the times I let the darkness consume me this last trick was what finally broke the camel's back.

This tick darkness surrounding me like a blanket it was beginning to choke me with its iciness. What is this darkness, I'm I suspended in air or submerged in liquid, I felt disorienting. Being dead is now making me think about all the chances I had to go out with my friends, family, possible girlfriend and just have fun.

Instead I took part in the murder of many prisoners without looking whether they were innocent or not. I saw myself with blood thirsty red eyes instead of the usual light brown. Next I saw myself as the innocent bored student I had been before the note. Lastly, I saw myself as an equal and working alongside the greatest detective L.

Who am I? The genius student, L's equal, I feel that there's something more, something that I am missing. The last image faded away leaving me with a startling new vision of myself. I was wearing a black hakama with a sword hanging on my hip. I had a strange look on my face, one that I would thought I would never see. It's a look of adoration for someone and the feelings that came with the image made me think and feel that I could be redeemed.

It was the look of someone who had been saved **from the truth of a thousand lies**. Can I be redeemed from my deathly passion? Soon I felt that my face was wet, I was crying because I know how impossible my supposed redemption was if I'm dead and trapped in Mu.

Is this supposed to be my punishment? I closed my eyes as the images of death filled my mind; I had tried to stop from crying but couldn't help myself. But the stark reality was that there was none there to comfort me.

"You know, you can still get your redemption, if you want it?" I hear a woman's voice. When I opened my eyes I saw this beautiful albino with short hair and red eyes starring intently at me. Beautiful despite the scar on her right eye and most importantly is that an Icha Icha Paradise manga in her hand. Even though her face showed no emotion her voice sounded somewhat serious and a little bit amused. "I can get your spirit out of Mu but you are still tainted by the Death Note."

I was shocked by her words, too shocked to answer. It was now that I noticed her clothes; she was wearing a ninja suit. Before anything else the most important matter at hand. How on earth did she manage to enter Mu, a private hell of my choosing? If this is the answer to my prayers … **So let mercy come** …

I hear her laugh at my words or did she hear my thought. I still think that I can't be redeemed from my darkness. But one look at her quiet determination made me believe. Can she be right? Can I redeem myself to get rid of my guilt? I don't know … I just don't know anything anymore. "How can I do that if I'm stuck here? Besides, I don't have a home and I'm not needed," I had tried to sound a little unemotional, I hated pity.

"You can't fool me. I can see the doubt and weariness on your face. You have a home and the world still needs you," she held out her hand. I understood the heavy implication in her voice, took her hand. When I held her hand I began to feel dizzy before losing consciousness I think I hear her telling me about having a contract with her now … **and wash away** my sins …

**To be continued in** …

**FAKE IT**

Can you guess what DN character is this? Who saved this DN character? This is a crossover. This is also my first DN fic. If the character sounds, feels and taste different then I'm doing my job. This is supposed to be a redemption fic a time for change.


	2. What I've Done III

I will like to thank and shower with gratitude my wonderful, patient and smart beta-reader ____whom I would be lost without her guidance and wisdom… She proofread …

1. -Yesterdays Feelings

**2. - What I've done part III**

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**What I've done part III**

**By: Shuhei Vanessa**

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This is a crossover story … all will be revealed in time … There will be strange things going around … many … many strange things … This is also an AU …

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Alone, selfish, bitter, shallow and detached, this is what I had been my entire life … **What I've done** … I may have acted like I cared, but have I ever cared for anybody besides myself, no. Now that I think about it, my rival had more emotions than I could ever have in the past. It wasn't that he cared for anybody else either, but he at least enjoyed life and what it had to offer.

I didn't enjoy my life to the fullest and just like that I threw it all away in an instant fit of insanity. Unfortunately in those instants of insanity I thought I was doing something worthwhile for the world. Instead, I just died like a common criminal in a pool of my own blood. I wished with all my heart that those feelings before meeting Near would at least have lasted even after death.

Now in death I realized what an idiot I have been and I whish for a second change, no matter how unlikely that was going to be. I also wanted to repent, especially for my neglected family, I hurt my family and I didn't cared at all. I didn't care for anything; I only cared for my impossible dream.

My extreme and unattainable delusion for a crimeless world and now I am left with the bitter taste of reality, I have accomplished nothing and now I am nothing. My last moments, clutching my chest with one hand while the other trying to reach that idiot shinigami Ryuk. I think that this scene would please everyone that I have ever wronged in my short life. This is my punishment and imprisonment for trying to play god. Maybe he is even laughing at me and this is why I am here because of my stupidity and I can't complain for my mistakes.

My mistakes, all of those years wasted for nothing. I threw all my hard work to the trash and now I am trash. I made no progress with myself, my family, my friends and my loveless life. Will I get redemption for my past crimes? I have finally crashed to rock bottom and I was staying there forever until …

Yes! She found me and all I could do was just look at the beautiful stranger that promised me my redemption. I am grateful for this gorgeous angel that came into my imprisonment to save me. All this time I kept thinking on why she shouldn't save me but she just smiled at me. She made me feel like I have the right for salvation and most importantly that I was worth saving.

She was giving me a shot at redemption with conditions but I didn't care at the moment … **I'll face myself **… I just wanted to make things right, not just for myself, but to my family as well. As we shook hands to seal our contract that was when I passed out and this time I was hopeful that I was going to get a better life, maybe.

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I awoke to the happy sounds of the birds outside my room and for my first day back to the living it was the most wonderful sound in the world. I have also felt the morning breeze and the warmth of my bed, I was home.

As I looked around I was already planning many changes in my room, a few posters from different rock bands and a few abstract drawings as well. As a new change maybe I should pick up some drawing and pick another career.

I knew that this morning hadn't been like any other morning, it felt so hot and dry. As soon as I get ready to go to school I hear mom yelling at my little sister, Sayu, to get up. My mother like usual was busy making our breakfast. Later we're happily eating mom's delicious breakfast while my sister complains about the injustice of getting up early. A minute later my little sister changes the subject about the sales and that she wanted to go and like always my mother didn't wanted her to go alone. My dad wasn't there, I think that he had to go to work earlier; it was too bad because I wanted to see him.

This is such a usual morning like a fine crystal of monotony that I just hated to break but was necessary with my drastic changes ... **To cross out what I've become** … After getting ready for school, I carefully studied my new situation and realized that she send me five years before I found the Death Note … **Erase myself** … I was grateful for that; I had a chance to be with my family once again … **And let go of what I've done** …

I think that I gave them the shock of their life's when I told them that I could accompany her. My mother was shocked that I wanted to do this; my sister was too excited to care … **Put to rest, what you've thought of me** … I also added that I needed new clothes too. I told my little sister that we were going after school. I grabbed my lunch and walked out my house.

I don't know why but I had a feeling that I needed to go to school; I still had the time before school started. I wanted answers and I hadn't seen her.

As I began to walk towards my school I began to think about her. Where is she? Am I going to see her again? In my first lifetime I would held my head high just because I thought I was better then anyone else, but now I can say that I can hold my head high because I am something to someone and I am not alone … **While I've cleaned this slate** … I have a contract with an angel and that for me makes it the most wonderful feeling in the world.

"Hello there sunshine, I hope that you haven't forgotten about me," I was startled not only by her voice, but her presence as well. She's finally here, she was wearing my school uniform, but she still looked gorgeous. I blankly stared at her and for the first time I didn't knew what to say but at the same time I felt comfortable being near her.

I hate to admit it, but she surprised me. Okay, I admit I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. I was so deep in thought about the things that I wanted to ask her, the things that I wanted to do differently in my new life, but all of those questions disappeared as soon as I saw her. Well a lot of good my thoughts did for me as soon as she surprised me. It's not fair she knows all about me but I don't even know her name.

She gave me her ever present confident, optimistic smirk. Did she know what I was thinking? "My name is Kakashi Hakate," she said with some amusement as she put her arm around my shoulder. Later, she laughed a little by the expression on my face as she takes a drag of her cigarette. Wait a minute, is that even a cigarette, is she smoking weed in public.

She exhales before she answers my question. "Well darling, this is your second chance at life so why not do something different? In fact why not rewrite your new life," she sounded so confident that I just couldn't help myself. She took another drag. "Why not enjoy what life has to offer," when she finished I took her blunt and took a long drag … **With the hands, of uncertainty** … I was reluctant to do so but I also trusted her.

I coughed a little but I began to think about what she had told me … **So let mercy come** … "My new life …" I whispered more to myself than to her. Before I have met her I had never smoked anything in my life … **And wash away** … Now, here I am smoking just for the hell of it. Now that I think about it, I think I am going to like the new me.

I wasn't paying any attention to what the teacher's were saying; I was too busy thinking about my past life and my new one … **For what I've done** … In my past life I new how my good looks affected woman and men alike but didn't took full advantage of it. I was and I am still self-conscious about the way I look but would I want to take advantage of it now … **I start again** …

I felt her hand on mine and when I looked at her she was smiling at me as if saying that whatever I decided she was going to be there for me. We began school together and in the span of a day both of us became popular. At first, I didn't know on how to approach all of the attention that my classmates were giving me.

I guess that she somehow noticed my self-doubt, but she quickly got into the teaching role and she began to flirt with not only guys but girls as well. In my first lifetime I hadn't been rebellious or even a flirt, but now. Now, I think I have an idea of what to do in my new life, if everyone wanted my body then they can have it. So the flirty Light Yagami was born and the quiet, unexciting teen that I had been back then was gone.

I inwardly smiled at how naïve and childish I had been. Since my dad being who he is I had been raised with certain morals about what was right and wrong. I had thought that I was doing the right thing, but I was wrong in my method. Unfortunately my wrong decision had led me to a place that I didn't wanted to be in. I hadn't been bad I was just making the wrong decisions.

I had never wanted to act like a rebellious teen and now it seemed like a natural progression into my new life. In my past lifetime school had been important to me, now I can't wait to see what mischief we cause together. Kakashi and me, it somehow comforts me to know that she is with me.

It amuses me that we're both together as a couple, but yet we're both also flirting with anybody that crosses our way. I took her lead and just like her, I indulge myself in mindless conversation about anything, laughed at my silly classmates approach. I have a lot to offer the world and not just my mind now.

Kakashi and I, we took advantage of everything and anyone that came in our way. We did everything together until her friends joined us and they became my friends. We were like a dysfunctional little family, but it worked for us. In dysfunctional I meant that we went to parties together, we drank and smoked together, we fought and loved together. The most important thing was that we were together.

Being together meant that I didn't mind my father and mother's absence from my life, but this time I was there for my sister Sayu. My girlfriend and friends loved her just as much as I do that she even hangs out with us … **And whatever pain may come** …

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Two years have passed since she saved me from the void, since they came into my life. Slowly but surely I am letting go of my past life and embracing my new one. I think I am starting to love her, Kakashi, her long and untamed gray hair, her bright red eyes.

I appreciate the moments where we are on my bed sharing a blunt and some vodka she stole from somewhere. My other two friends are on the floor also smoking a blunt of their own. Deep down I know that I am not right or even wrong, the most unsettling thing is that I am not anything.

**Today this ends **… I am finally fourteen years old and ready to graduate from my career in the music industry. Now I can proudly say that I can play the guitar, piano and sing too. Needless to say is that my dad probably wouldn't be too happy with my career choice. He had wanted me to follow in his footsteps but I wanted to become a musician. The only one happy about my decision was my sister and Mom was just indifferent.

The only problem is that my parents only want to see what they want to see. When I am happy and follow their rules they are comprehensive and manageable. When I am in a gloomy or depressed mood they avoid me like the plaque. Sometimes my mom asks me if I'm alive and that I listen to cemetery music. My dad has absolutely no idea what I do and I have no intentions of telling him anything.

In my past I had lost myself, but now I know where to find myself … **I'm forgiving what I've** ... **Done** … All I have to do is just lift my sight and look at her calm demeanor. I smile as I remember the first time that I had tasted alcohol with my girlfriend and our mutual friends I had felt like something burned my mouth and throat. My friends laughed and teased me for a little while, but later I got used to the strong drink. Fortunately for me my friends were ever so patient with me and knew that I had no experience whatsoever with either alcohol or smoking.

I felt the need to smoke as much so I wouldn't feel the emptiness I had felt in my past life … **I'll face myself** … I think that things are starting to fall into place at a comfortable and pleasant pace … **To cross out what I've become** …

Another thing that I change about myself, my clothes, I wore more black now, my mother noticed but made no comment … **Erase myself** … I think that my sister had an idea but she just told me that the color suited me perfectly well and now my whole wardrobe is black. Kakashi also wears black and I think that it compliments her ominous yet mischievous eyes and smoky and mystifying smirk. My friends are crazy I don't even want to comment about their wardrobe or anything else for that matter … **And let go of what I've done** …

Until I met her, I had never considered smoking until I had seen it balance between her perfect and perky lips that I wanted to try smoking in the first place. She gazed at me, smirked a little maybe she realized what I had been thinking. She took another drag.

"You shouldn't tease like that darling," she growls at me but I didn't mind. Now, my emotions are all over the place that sometimes I need the company of my friends like I need to breathe, I don't mind. Other days I just feel like just being alone, listening to music until sleep takes me away.

"You know I would have never pictured myself doing these sorts of things. I mean, I'm doing drugs, how did that happened?" I asked her. She just smiled at me and reminded me that I wanted to change. "I'm glad you're here with me," I told her and kissed her to show her how grateful I am.

I love the feeling of the lightheadedness that the weed gave me and how good she felt. I had never felt anything like that. This was a great feeling to have and I love every minute of it. We were biding our time until it was time to take action.

I'm happy and content … **What I've done** … I had made plenty of changes in my life and I have new goals to meet. I am going to be not only a prodigy but the youngest rock star with my friends. I was finally evolving into a caring person never mind the destructive tendencies that I have picked up along the way to get there. All it took was three years in my new life from walking a narrow road into a straight line of excessive smoking, partying, drinking and fucking my way out of trouble … **Forgiving what I've done** …

My girlfriend and our mutual friends have their own apartments and we would take it from there. Soon weekends turned into daily events for us thanks to their apartments. Since we weren't legal yet, Misa and I had to depend on Kakashi and Ginger for the smokes and the alcohol. I don't know how they did it because they aren't exactly legal either, but they did it. Right now, Misa is having a party in her apartment; I think she's celebrating her modeling career.

I knew that my girlfriend and my friend ginger where in a drinking contest so I stayed close to Misa whom was waiving at somebody, I was wondering whom she wanted me to meet until I saw who it was. I was a little shocked by his appearance, but didn't comment. When he got near us he greeted her and she presented us. He's still the same, how wonderful. It looks like I still have my faithful follower. I just smiled at him and whispered my name. He is making this so easy.

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**Faithful Follower's POV**:

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"Yagami, Light," I hear his whispered reply. I think his name suits him very well. He has such a bright and beautiful smile. His hair with perfectly balance highlights of red and gold and all this time I'm wondering to myself, is he real. While we were walking towards an empty room I noticed his well define muscles. We left the crowded living room to a semi crowded hallway and finally in an empty bedroom, a locked bedroom. Near him, I felt so ugly and I wonder why such a heavenly creature wanted with me.

I wonder what he thinks of me. What would he think if I told him how attractive he is? What would he do if he knew I'm a fan and I know everything about him from his high academic skills to the obscure rumors? As I looked around the obscured room I gleefully noticed that Misa wasn't around, it was just us. I don't know when we left her or even what happed to Misa and don't care.

As soon as we sat on the bed of the empty bedroom he sat next to me. He was looking at me while he was slowly drinking his beer. I couldn't help but admire his perfectly tanned skin, his character, the delight in his sparkling mysterious red eyes, his smoking grin and well proportioned features that made him look like a model, his dark red eyes that were looking at me with such vehemence and desire. His black jeans and black shirt were like always complementing the contour of his sculptured body made my brain short circuit that made me react like an idiot.

For a while we talked about school, our career and what we like. I felt elated that I was getting this gorgeous angel's attention. We had been talking for a few minutes but I couldn't face him. I had never smoked in my life but in those moments all I could think about was how badly I wish I had picked up smoking. God! I can't believe that I am actually thinking about smoking and it's all because of him. If Light-sama decided to become a model for a tobacco industry then nobody would think twice about smoking.

I slightly shake my head to get rid of these unusual thoughts. All the while my eyes never leaving the dangerous white cylinder balance between his faultless lips. He smirked a little as if he were about to do something impish.

"Mikani, are you a virgin?" he asks me with such calmness as if he were asking the weather or something innate like that. I thought that it was a little blunt but didn't comment. By this point I think that I was already blushing like crazy, but I still somehow managed to say a simply yes to him.

He kissed me with such intense passion that I couldn't help but moan at how wonderful his lips felt and how he tasted like strawberries. As I inhaled his gentle scent of apples and when his supple and faultless lips left my lips he had asked me if I wanted to …

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… **Meanwhile in the Yagami household …**

**Sayu's POV**:

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I can't believe that they are actually fighting and I don't know what to do. Nisan isn't here, but I know I have to call him; he has to know what is going on with our parents. My parent's had never fought before, well I guess that my dad is now noticing something's about my brother. The first thing to come to mind was if Nisan was drunk, high or both then if he is I have to warn him about not talking to them right now. I hesitated for a little while before calling him because I knew where he was.

He's with that strange woman, Hakate Kakashi. I had never thought about hating anybody in my life, but I didn't voice my opinion because my brother somehow loves her. That woman is such a bad influence on Nisan, but he doesn't see it that way. First, the addictions came like smoking and drinking. Then I don't know what else change but more girls began calling for Nisan.

The thing that I hated the most was that she was always with my brother. The other times were when Nisan was acting like a seductive imp that he looked like. The last thing that bothered me and was on my mind was, how can he like her? What does he sees in her? How in the world did that happen? She doesn't seem like my Nisan's type?

Unfortunately no matter how I argue about the injustice of the world the fact still remains the same. My brother loves her and he is apparently going to stay with her. Why? Why can't he see that I love him, I'm crazy in love with him? I just have to bid my time and then I'll have a chance with him? In the mean time I just have to show him that he can trust me with his secrets.

"LIGHT, HE DID WHAT?" I heard the annoyed and surprised shout of my father coming through my bedroom door. I guess the shit already hit the fan. I wonder what mom told dad. I have to warn Nisan, I have to call him no matter what.

**To Be Continued** …

**In**:

**FAKE IT PART 4**


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